May 7th

I am finally done with my classes, I took my last exam this evening, I studied for a couple hours before hand, and I think I got the grades I desired. On a more thought provoking note, it is my belief, and most recent discovery that there are 3 minds, three different thought streams to a person. The first is the brain, the thought center, any thought involving intellect, or problem solving comes from this mind. The next is the heart, the unbridled center of emotion, when set free it can be creative and the limits of the heart are truly phenomenal. The last is the sex organ, and for me and many guys I think it is harder to filter then it is for women, but this mind is an interesting one, a single track mind unlike the others, there is one goal, and when the stimuli are correct it will overtake the rest of the minds. The brain is a filter for the other minds, but it is also where fabrication can take place, those who are fake, wear masks, or suppress aspects of themselves utilize this mind. It is my belief though that only one of the other minds can be used at one time. My goal is to unleash my heart and explore how amazing it can be to be free, free through Christ, and to figure out how to flip the switches and what makes what happen. Life is an exploration, no one person can write the guidebook for everyone else. You just have to make it yourself, and that takes time, but once you have the answers there is the exam, and that's never easy. So get out there and live each moment like there might not be another one, but don't stress, God has it under control; sometimes it might seem like your life is a car drifting around a corner, controlled loss of control, it depends on who's perspective you are looking from. Now on a less thought provoking note, I thought about posting some of my poetry from 2008, so here is one:

Angel of Death

I am the angel of death
Wings
Wrapped around the community
Like a snake
Constricting until all life is gone
Devouring
Like a fat man and cake
Death
Comes inevitably

And on a lighter note:

Cleansed

I am cleansed
By God
The New Year
Brings a clean slate
That I can work on
I feel clean
For once in a very long time
Cleansed of impurities
And Sin
Wiped clean of my old self
Brought into the light anew
Love
Has conquered all
Like A Shimmering blade
Slicing away
At the face of the old
Ushering in the clean shaven new
Cleansed
At Last

Those are from the beginning of last year. I seem to be constantly doing battle with these dark thoughts but one way or another, Jesus picks me up and carries me, leaving only one set of footprints, but there always the two of us. I find my way back to him and I survive. I believe that no matter how hard it will get, that I will always have at least one person to get me back to where I am good again, Jesus Christ, My Lord, My Savior. And nothing will ever change how I feel but to deepen that faith...

Now, let me explain how I feel about this four letter word. That word that can change things for anyone anytime. It scares me, when I think about it it makes me feel like I am trapped in my own skin. and I fear that I will be trapped, and not able to experience life, and live the way I want, I don't want to feel guilty for doing something, unless I outright cheat, but that is if I am exclusive, but its also that exclusivity that scares me, I don't like distance, I like having the ability to be with you whenever I want or need, I don't want to feel like if I need you I can't get to you, or I can't reach out. But at the same time, I don't want things to get too regular, too routine. I want that when we talk its special, and not required, or expected. If I feel far away then bring me closer, but I want you to understand that I want us to be able to have lives apart from each other and that our time is not exclusively devoted to the other. Ok, there. Sorry if that was blunt...