May 31st

Tomorrow we pay rent. I work too. But today I saw the mountains, majestic ridges of earth shooting out the ground so high it seems like they touch the clouds. I went to places where I could see into the valley below and it was so amazing. I saw the blue ridge mountains and all there wonderful shades and hues, well, one hue, but plenty of shades. It was amazing just to be there and see all this, but what made it better was that I was with Brittany. She showed me the lodge and a rock just off from that. Then I saw other places below that seemed like I could get to so we explored and found plenty of cool places. I climbed back up the rocks like an animal and Britt couldn't look me in the eyes because of the expression in them. She showed me the meadow, and then we ate blackberry ice cream and fries, they were soooo good. Especially the ice cream... Then she showed me her rock, and all along the way I took pictures, until my phone died to the point it didn't want to take any more. While we were at her rock, a guy took our picture and it was all silhouette-y and we sat on the cliffs for a bit before heading back. She showed me the spot most people go to watch the sunset, and then we watched it somewhere else... But in between that we saw so many deer, we went back to the meadow and saw 9 bucks and got very close to them. I took enough pictures for a long time. Then we headed home, and I am going to bed now...

May 30th

Today we looked for fishy to buy, we decided on buying 2 betas, on red and one blue and putting them in a combo tank. It should look very cool... I also realized that I have a tick bite on my ankle and my mom thinks I may have Lyme disease. So I am going to the ER tomorrow to check it out. But as for now I am going to bed, and hopefully getting good sleep before having to wake up for church.

May 28th

I had a very good day. I was off work, so I waited around and did stuff while I was waiting for Britt to get back from her parents house, then when she got back we played video games and spent time together. Then Eliza came and we sat around and hung out, then we went shopping for me, and when we got back me jake stephen eliza and britt hung out then swam for an hour and then after we got back and took showers we relaxed and fell asleep watching almost famous. What I saw was good, and now I am going to bed because I have to work tomm.

May 29th

I thought of a story while getting a massage from Britt:
"It is set it the classical era, there is a man by his window, looking at the moon. It's blue light shinning over the lake. There is a woman in the room, his woman; she didn't have much of a bosom but she had a heart bigger than anyone, and that is why he loved her. Each night they would dance, dance for hours and come back to their house and lay in their beds dreaming of the next nights dance."
Aside from the poor punctuation I thought it was good. I worked most of the day, and just had a stupid quote... I farted and then sprayed my pineapple room spray and then said "Oh, that didn't help, now it smells like someone crapped on a pineapple." But yeah work, counter in the morning, hosting at night. It was fun. I made a new system for keeping the order in tack and it worked for the most part. I went to a party for like a half hour, it was ok, not the best, only a few people were there. It was pretty ok, they were playing quarters and while they werent looking i poured the equivilant of 2 shots of everclear into the cup and someone chugged it. They had no idea... it was funny. Bedtime now, or soon, I am eating delicious resses pie...

May 27th

Today was good. Well, for the most part. My day started by saying goodbye to Britt because she was headed home for the day and night to get some stuff. Work was crazy, some person didn't give the right phone number because they forgot the area code... And didn't know it was long distance so they had to do that... so the driver couldnt contact them and neither could we and the boyfriend called and I think I was on oven. Someone else called and ordered a bunch of stuff and didnt know where to meet the driver, then she complained about her food so we had to give her a restaurant credit. I dealt mostly with that woman. Then when I got home me and stephen watched Toxic Avenger on On Demand, it such an '80s movies. From the very begining, the title comes in all like booooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, with the trail and then the trail catches up and its like TOXIC AVENGER. basic plot, nerd gets bullied till he jumps out a window into acid and gets mutated and beats people up then the corrupt mayor wants him dead but love prevails and stuff. I think we swam for a bit, but when we came back we played Rainbow Six Vegas 2 for a while. Then we went to D&D and had a pretty good session in my opinion and then had some good developments plot wise, then at around 1 ish after talking for an hour or so we realize stephens car is dead, dead dead. So we called jake and left stephens car there. And when we got home I am blogging then FLOPPING into bed, well actually just flopping, I am blogging the next day but its all the same...

May 26th

"Sometimes life feels just like rain, cause you never when it's gonna fall down on you."

It's raining lightly now, I knew it was coming, and in life if you know a rough spot might hit you can get out your hypothetical umbrella. But if you are blindsided like a summer rain, then just roll with it, and you will survive.

My girlfriend is sprawling out on my bed right now. She is a goof, a goof who made the apartment dessert, cherry cheesecake, YUM. Jake made a delicious dinner and we made a few trips to walmart, but it all worked out. I called jess because we were looking for something that she made that we found in walmart and jake suggested it. So I did, and I was so backhanded mean. I sounded so happy, and I am I really really am. So happy that I am going to go to bed now...

May 25th

There is no rational behind this, no reason I can see, it just makes anger swell up within me. Overwhelming me, consuming every bit of me. Alcohol and its consumption by minors, and the condoning of such acts. Yes I know that it isn't the top thing on people's "To do List" and that the legal age used to be 18, but it's not. And it makes me more than uncomfortable, at first it is an uneasy feeling, like you just ate something spicy and your stomach is deciding what to do with it. But the more it happens, and the more I am reminded of it the worse it gets, and I don't want to voice my opinion because nobody today cares, and because I have no case. Like I said, I don't know why I don't like it, but I just don't. I don't like that atmosphere, I don't like anything about it. But I think mostly what it has to do with is my overprotectiveness of my girlfriends. I just don't want anything bad to happen I guess. But I don't know. And that song I was writing, or attempting to write, started off as an I am too good for everyone song, like why am I so great when I can't find that perfect person. Noone is perfect, I myself am severely flawed, but I guess that it is the perfectionist in me that desires my whole world to be perfect, to meet such impossible standards that I will end up alone, with nothing, I may dream big, think like a visionary, but if I can't ... I lost my train of thought, my roommate has upsettedly got up and is cleaning, and I believe I just lost another thing that I care about. Unless my subconscious is so deeply manipulative that it fools me into thinking these things, into playing its games, just for the thrill, well I won't have any of it, I will fight it, and I will get back what I have lost, final, end of story. And without words, except I'm sorry... And she wasn't upset, I was mistaken.

Or MAYBE, it's just that I know I am not perfect, and have not met my own expectations and my brain constantly reminds me of it. I have failed myself, and that is the worst person you can ever fail, because if you are like me, you aren't one to let it go so easy...

May 24th

Good day today, took Britt to church, a couple funny things happened. An old woman gave her a mint because she was coughing and stuff, it was funny, then she held in a cough and the woman next to us thought it was a sneeze, so did I, and gave her a tissue. We got a ride home and she made fried chicken for us. We went swimming for a little bit and now her and Stephen are watching Taken and I am trying to go to sleep...

May 23rd

I got an ok sleep, I woke up every few hours to the cuckoo clock, I lost count of the rings. We played at her house for a while, Stephen and I snapped the zip line, it hurt, it hit me across the shoulder, I have a nice bruise/welt. Then it got super hot so we went to Stephen's house and swam in the pool, jake wasn't there because he had to work. By the time we got to his house we weren't hot anymore, and the pool water was kinda cold. Stephen took me and britt to the cove of Lake Anna, Louisa VA's very own man made lake/nuclear reactor cooler. We swam for a bit, and it was really fun. I want to go fishing, but anyway, we got back and ate a chicken dinner and me and britt explored the propertybefore heading home, where I am currently in bed, but I found a tick on me, and had stephen get it off me. I am going to bed now...

May 22nd

Graduation was so nice, Britt got me a ticket and I sat pretty close, it was on the football field and we all sat in the bleachers, I took pictures as my friends got their diplomas. After all the commotion and everyone meeting up outside the stands I met Britt's grandmothers, aunt and uncle (not married to each other, i don't think). Later I was told that they liked me from the impression I gave, which makes me happy because I don't think I'm that bad of a guy. Then I helped Eliza get her car out of the mud on the hill, paid for her to get gas because she didn't have her license, and I think something else but I don't remember. But anyway, Bobbie (Girl) Eliza Jake Stephen Britt and I went to Eliza's for food and Ice Cream cake! I really like ice cream cake, especially the oreo like crumblies in the middle. We played in the tree, on the trampoline, the hammock, and all around her property being ninjas and such. It was fun. We are staying here because it's late and I hope I get some sleep on the couch. My khakis are like big pj pants...

May 21st

As of 11:27 AM I am no longer a single man. I have an amazing girlfriend, we think on the same wavelength and we like alot of the same things and just have a great time together. And as of 8:31 PM we told each other we loved each other while watching the sunset. Probably one of the more romantic things I have ever done. She graduates highschool tomorrow, and I am going to see her do so. Me stephen and laura went swimming in the pool today, kinda chilly but above expectation. Then we gambled with chips and now I am going to bed. Goodnight existance, we shall resume our goings on when I awaken...

May 20th

I am just all sorts of confused because my new roommate wasn't supposed to move in or come visit till saturday, so I keep thinking it's Saturday, or that tomorrow is Saturday, but regardless tonight we played D&D and it went very well considering everything, and we have 2 new players, my new roommate and someone named rebecca. I am tired now, so I must sleep...

May 19th

So I have a new roommate. It is a girl, a very pretty girl, I am working on a song right now, the chorus is written, and I will write the song on here and my other blog tomorrow, or whenever it is finished. well right now I am tired and bedtime shall be NOW... or soon.

May 18th

My mind is frayed, my body weakening, succumbing to illness I meditated today, and shared the energies of my heart and mind, I am more one with myself and God. However, Satan attacks from all fronts, so I must be vigilant, people I hadn't spoken to in a while texted me, and I felt it was Satan tempting me. But I must sleep so my body does not break.

May 17th

So much for sleeping when I wanted to, but regardless, I must work tomorrow, and Tuesday, but after that I can sleep as long as I want and have lots of lazy days. I am excited for this weekend and hope i can get sleep before then. Naps are a necessity. A must you might say, but bed is calling and so I will answer.

May 16th

Interesting day today, I didn't work until 5:30 so Stephen and I went to the mall and bought food and a video game. Then I worked, it was good pacing and when I got home I watched Dane Cook, and while talking on facebook and washing dishes the pipe under the sink came loose and it leaked all over the kitchen... BUT I cleaned it all up WITH a SHAM WOW, all the water, it was awesome, and now sleep is awesome...

May 15th

She has 7 days until she graduates. 7 days until I can hold her whenever we feel it needed. But the fear is setting in deeper and deeper. I think it is a great way to spend my remaining 3 months, she is an amazing girl, and I could not see myself with anyone else. I am amazed at how much she feels for me. I need sleep, sleep is soooo good tight now. I am typing with my eyes closed. I opened them. I need to go to bed. goodnight...

May 14th

I am becoming closer to being ready... ready for what you ask... well, a short potentially life changing relationship and the L-word, but one step at a time, although I may have them out of order. In my own time she and I say. She will be there when I decide to jump, so wait we shall, but how long can one wait before the wait is done, which will come first the jump or one of us walking away. I am afraid that I don't trust myself to make smart choices, I am afraid I will not be able to do what I need to do in order to successfully be in a relationship. Because to those of you that don't know, there is a singular point you can stand on, the midpoint between so many factors, but with the right person it is effortless, and I so hope that this is it, as far as right people go. I don't know how much more failure I can take. God has never left me and as far as I think I am still an effective young man of God, Throughout my time on this Earth and as a Child of God, I have matured in him, and have become steadfast in my faith, not unshakable, but My roots will always be planted in him. I am very sleepy. I watched Jon Stewart and then an interesting half hour documentary on the history and range of sex toys. random tidbits of information, entertaining and educational. Again, going back to the fine lines, it is a series of fine lines, leading to the point of overwhelming emotion. And I think I am ready or at least almost ready to take the plunge. But the question is ARE YOU? you know who you are... Oh, I saw star trek the movie and it was good, it made sense, it made it possible to change the time stream of star trek for reasons i cannot reveal. BUT, Leonard Nemoy was Spock Prime!!!!!!! So very fascinating, but regardless, bedtime now, wake time later...

May 13th

Ok, so today, I woke up more tired than usual, but still able to move, so after my shower stephen, his grandpa and I went to go retrieve ben's couch to put it in place of the old one. It didn't take very long to get the couch in the truck, and while on campus we got transcripts mailed where we needed them. I need to apply for classes soon, very soon. Now, the hard part was getting the older, larger couch out of the building. It was flipped, carried, twisted and pushed to the dumpster where it will remain till it gets picked up. I am excited about our newly redesigned living space, it makes me happy. Later tonight stephen and I will be heading to a friends house to start our summer Dungeons and Dragons campaign. I will let you all know how it went tommorow. Oh, and I have been talking to Britt most of today, and everything is working out. I took a very nice bath moments ago, and will be departing soon.

May 12th

I finally bought my stuff for my character. I made a couple people in my world smile. And I got to hear Britt's voice, as well as got to make some funny awkward comments. But regardless, teehee. Goodnight

May 11th

I am the beginning of change
the start of something bigger then myself
but I will be the one to get the ball rolling
I am stronger than before
more able to succeed
I am wiser
able to make better choices
I am the start of something good
Something memorable
And it will all stem from me

Today has been a good day for me. I worked for a good while, then i sat around till 2 and then got trained briefly to be a waiter, it should be fun. I'm excited. I'm listening to The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus' Your Guardian Angel. It makes me happy and sad at the same time, it reminds me of the past, shines a light on the future and reminds me i'm still human. replacing one song linked to a series of events with another is the best way to get over something. Same thing with a location. Bad memory happens, go back a while later and have a different memory and you will think of the closer memory. At least, when you have a clear head. The problem is that it may happen that all the thoughts will be rolled into one, and if it happens too often then it will lose meaning. My question is "could this happen with something intimate like a kiss or something more?" Can something like that lose value if it happens too much with too many people? I think that it really all depends on the person and what they mean to you. It really is all in the kiss. If you deep inside feel nothing, the kiss will be nothing. the other day I walked by a girl and her smell was intoxicating, woah, that made me feel like a knife got stabbed through my heart. That and the thought of an exhilerating kiss for all the wrong reasons. I am excited about finding the one, whether I have or havent yet, I am excited for that day when I will get to walk down the aisle and make everyone proud. My brain is currently filtering thoughts from one of the two minds, and I am trying to switch. Women aren't conquests, they aren't things to be lusted after, not things to be desired, not to be treated like "conquering" them is some sort of achievement like an XBOX. Women are beautiful, like flowers, and they are to be treated as such. Cared for and about, treated like they are special, given attention to. Now that I say that Satan is going to give me an onslaught of thoughts that will destroy my consciousness, without God that is. That was more an out loud filter, I am amazed at my current ability to discern between thoughts of one mind or another, or at least thoughts from that mind. It really helps to shut them down when you know what they are. But I am going to go to bed, and have some weird dreams, and all that jazz...

May 10th

Happy Mother's Day!!! I talked to my mom today for about an hour using the webcams. It was nice, then later on I talked to my aunts and little cousins, and my brother was there for a bit, but I scared on of the little ones with the effects on my camera. It was funny. We still have not gotten the couch from ben, however we have a tentative date of retrieval, Wednesday. On other note, I am learning more and more to rely on God to help filter my thoughts, specifically certain ones. And so far it is working fairly well. But regardless, I texted britt for a little while today, I said happy mothers day to her mom and her mom personally thanked me, kinda made me smile. I am such a nice guy sometimes, so parent friendly. There is a thrill to the realization that you have "your balls back" as in you have stopped the control of someone, but there is also a thrill of attraction and the love path. I have yet to find out the true thrill but I will one day. I am sure of it, but for now I will sleep, and dream dreams of honey and LSD, well, my dreams are weird so I have to put that in there...

May 9th

Her: "Your feelings and emotions present a challenge for me, though I feel that it is a good challenge and one that I simply cannot turn away from."

Me: "I am also glad that I am a challenge for you. My true emotions are like a rubix cube wrapped in a sudoku buried under a mass of unsolved algorithms. Solve them if you dare..."

Her: "Oh I dare... I SO dare..."

I am so glad that you dare to do it. Not many have truly taken up the challenge, and those that do turn away, seeing as it is usually filled with booby traps, but the guard in control of them has been put away/ is on a "vacation". But you, you are different, you have stepped up to my challenge, accepted the challenge to solve my true emotions, and I am sure you will be the one to help me figure it out.

I made a D&D character today, a rouge class half elf diplomat with alot of slight of hand. I also finished my adventure with emma and kaitlyn with a fiery end. So, over the past few weeks we have been having people over on wednesday and they kept hearing buzzing in the couch out on the porch so today stephen decided to be the bee master and get rid of them. At first he would run up cut a piece and loop around and repeat, then he armored up and did it again, and after a pass or two and a few released bees later I worked up the nerve to go out there and tape from out there, oh i forgot to mention I taped all this. So then he dug through the one cushion they had taken residence in and then after letting a few more out, decided to finish them off for good with a good old fashioned flamethrower put out with red koolaid. The fire destroyed a good deal of cushion and it looked like the couch was bleeding when we put it out the first time. then I put leather gloves on dug the rest of the cushioning out and found eggs, which we proceeded to eradicate as well before finally moving the couch out to the dumpster. That has been my evening, church tommorow, sleep now...

May 8th

Man movie night...
here are the movies:
Quarantine - professional camera version of a zombie cloverfield
Transport 3 - 75 feet and you see red, boom...

It's 5 AM, I dont think I'm going to get sleep. It's ok, sunrises are beautiful, whenever it will get here. I am good at any hour it would seem. I am thinking about playing halo 3, in our redesigned living room! It has something of a consistent decor, a smaller entertainment center, a couple touch lamps, and it looks really good.

May 7th

I am finally done with my classes, I took my last exam this evening, I studied for a couple hours before hand, and I think I got the grades I desired. On a more thought provoking note, it is my belief, and most recent discovery that there are 3 minds, three different thought streams to a person. The first is the brain, the thought center, any thought involving intellect, or problem solving comes from this mind. The next is the heart, the unbridled center of emotion, when set free it can be creative and the limits of the heart are truly phenomenal. The last is the sex organ, and for me and many guys I think it is harder to filter then it is for women, but this mind is an interesting one, a single track mind unlike the others, there is one goal, and when the stimuli are correct it will overtake the rest of the minds. The brain is a filter for the other minds, but it is also where fabrication can take place, those who are fake, wear masks, or suppress aspects of themselves utilize this mind. It is my belief though that only one of the other minds can be used at one time. My goal is to unleash my heart and explore how amazing it can be to be free, free through Christ, and to figure out how to flip the switches and what makes what happen. Life is an exploration, no one person can write the guidebook for everyone else. You just have to make it yourself, and that takes time, but once you have the answers there is the exam, and that's never easy. So get out there and live each moment like there might not be another one, but don't stress, God has it under control; sometimes it might seem like your life is a car drifting around a corner, controlled loss of control, it depends on who's perspective you are looking from. Now on a less thought provoking note, I thought about posting some of my poetry from 2008, so here is one:

Angel of Death

I am the angel of death
Wings
Wrapped around the community
Like a snake
Constricting until all life is gone
Devouring
Like a fat man and cake
Death
Comes inevitably

And on a lighter note:

Cleansed

I am cleansed
By God
The New Year
Brings a clean slate
That I can work on
I feel clean
For once in a very long time
Cleansed of impurities
And Sin
Wiped clean of my old self
Brought into the light anew
Love
Has conquered all
Like A Shimmering blade
Slicing away
At the face of the old
Ushering in the clean shaven new
Cleansed
At Last

Those are from the beginning of last year. I seem to be constantly doing battle with these dark thoughts but one way or another, Jesus picks me up and carries me, leaving only one set of footprints, but there always the two of us. I find my way back to him and I survive. I believe that no matter how hard it will get, that I will always have at least one person to get me back to where I am good again, Jesus Christ, My Lord, My Savior. And nothing will ever change how I feel but to deepen that faith...

Now, let me explain how I feel about this four letter word. That word that can change things for anyone anytime. It scares me, when I think about it it makes me feel like I am trapped in my own skin. and I fear that I will be trapped, and not able to experience life, and live the way I want, I don't want to feel guilty for doing something, unless I outright cheat, but that is if I am exclusive, but its also that exclusivity that scares me, I don't like distance, I like having the ability to be with you whenever I want or need, I don't want to feel like if I need you I can't get to you, or I can't reach out. But at the same time, I don't want things to get too regular, too routine. I want that when we talk its special, and not required, or expected. If I feel far away then bring me closer, but I want you to understand that I want us to be able to have lives apart from each other and that our time is not exclusively devoted to the other. Ok, there. Sorry if that was blunt...

May 6th

Today was AMAZING! Here is a list of what went right:

1. My econ exam went well
2. I talked to Britt for an hour and a half :) :) :)
3. It rained so hard and it was all lightning and stuff
   
4. We slip and slid in the muddy puddle things formed by the rain
5. We slid down a hill and had so much fun
6. Did I mention I talked to Britt!
7. I am working for someone friday.
8. I found a bunch of poems in my phone, here they are, end list...

As I step out into the crisp night air
My soul cringes
And I shake it off
Knowing it will be warm soon

As I sat watching the rain patter against the window
I drifted off
Thinking of the things that make me happy

Love can be felt two ways
The Emptiness you feel when they aren't there
And the intense overflowing when they are
Love is all around us
It surrounds us
and it lifts us up
and makes us reach for what we love
We chase love with everything we have

I have been feeling really creative lately, I think I am influenced partially, oh and my day has been better then yesterday, and I thank God for that. I thank him with every bit of me. She blogged about me, and about how I make her feel, and I have seen it coming, and I know what she wants to say, I think about those words, and how she makes me feel, and she makes me feel amazing, she makes me smile, I am so happy I can talk to her for so long and we can just talk and talk and like she said, no awkward pauses. She makes me feel better then I have in a while, while it saddens me that my subconscious plans will not work out, this may be for the best, we will see, I don't know, but I really like her, I like I told her, I will catch her any time she wants to make the leap. I will be here when ever she needs me, I think about us together, and I think how amazing it would be. I think how different our timing is but that through God we can make it work. I am here for you sweetheart, lets make that jump together...

How 'bout in person? Let me sweep you off your feet and make you feel amazing...

Oh, message to my ex, we have figured life out, on our own terms, but we are still the same people deep down. It makes me think about change, and how change can affect the relationships have with others, and whether the change is a choice or if it is forced, If it's forced, once we are free we seek what we could not have before, but it is our own choice we choose to live differently and that is the change that sticks. So I have learned this lesson, Change for yourself, make yourself who you want to be, then seek the companionship of others. I feel bad for snooping, but heck, I was curious, so you can't blame me. Plus I am crazy, My brain is like a garage full of boxes and every box is open but yet i know exactly where something is at any given time. Big day tomorrow, work then and exam, then Life, MY Life, My relationship with VCU is over. I am free from them and I can work when I want and go where I want when I want. All those memories of my ex came rushing back, and I just keep thinking, she is no different then when I met her, except that now she seems like she's got it all figured out. I can hide who I am all I want but one day the dam will break and everyone beneath it will be destroyed in the torrent of my soul. Love is a fickle thing, it comes and goes, and then kicks you in the hypothetical genitals on the way out, leaving you writhing on the floor until you can find it in you to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and move on. I have done that, and friday's haircut will be so symbolic, a symbol of everything I have held on to, everything I have built up, I am letting it go, in search of new things, better things, things that fit me better then a square peg in a round hole. Maybe I will find the one, maybe she's right under my nose, I think I am finally seeing the light. Things have changed, and they can never be the same again. I am who I am through God, accept me or get out. But as far as it depends on me I am living at peace with everyone...

May 5th

I thought I was losing my mind earlier today because I was feeling like a major war of conscience was going on inside me but I talked to Britt, my sweetheart, yeah, my, i mean, we aren't exclusive, but still, and maybe I had minor issues with some people and stuff involving temptation, but yeah, I am looking at what is right under my nose, and as bad as I feel about last weekend, nothing can make me feel better then talking to her. So we talked for over an hour today, on the most random topics. Comic books, school, her financial stability, poetry. Speaking of poetry, I wish I was inspired and conscious enough to write one. I'm going to try, I am going to go outside for a brief moment and return INSPIRED...... Ok, I have returned, and here goes:

My hair stands on end as I step out into the night
The brisk night air surrounding me
My ears ring with the song of nature
As water drips from leaves and buildings

I inhale
The air is thick and moist
My feet moisten on the cold damp concrete
That creates my path

I think of my life
And consider the majesty of nature
The desire to find my true self
Permeates through my being

I return to the warmth
Of my artificial home
I have been transplanted like a sapling
Trying to capture new light
And grow in a new place
And that place will always stay with me
Wherever I roam

There is my effort, I have done better, I was thinking earlier, you can't force inspiration, and maybe I am right maybe I am wrong. However, I do feel horrible that in the absence of her attention I failed. But we are in that middle phase where I realize I am an idiot and she really truly cares and that no stupid easy girl with an imagination and a camera can compare to how she makes me feel. *snicker* I mean seriously, did you read the comment on yesterday!? How can anyone be so stupid as to pass her up. Well, I won't miss my chance! I can be better, and I will because Satan is no match for my Savior, Jesus Christ.

The World Revolves around the soul
The one thing that is unique to each of us
There is a battle raging
over possession of our soul
The war between good and evil
And the choice is ours
Fall to temptation or rise to the face of our God
It is a constant war they fight
But I count myself among the lucky
To have known and chose the winning side
My money's on God
in this infinite round bout till KO

Today was better, but I have been feeling really introspective lately. And Satan is firing thoughts like a machine gun aimed straight for my sanity. But the one thing I know, Britt is the first girl in a while that I have been attracted to for more then just her body, and more then just lust was in that attraction. I care about her and cannot wait until I can see her again. Today was my father's birthday, I called him to wish him a happy one, and he told me he loved me at the end of the call, before I said it. It made me smile because I know he means it, I hope our relationship improves as I mature. But for now I must wander this road called life searching for my own answers.

May 4th

So very tired, good day overall, I saw X-Men Origins: Wolverine, I thought it was a good movie, I don't know much of the back story so it was good. I worked, and should study tomorrow. But now I am going to bed, seriously, I didn't talk to Brit, I miss her, I thought about when we held hands and it made me smile…

May 3rd

My Prayer for today is this:

"Lord, My eyes betray me,
My body is weak,
Lord you are strong,
and in my heart I know you are my God,
You are my strength,
Lord today and every day guide me,
and strengthen me in you,
Carry me where I need it,
And protect me from evil,
Forgive my weaknesses,
and forgive my body,
For you are my Lord and Savior,
And I would be nothing without you, AMEN"

I finally got to talk to Britt, I really enjoyed it. I talked to her about our weekends and stuff. I called my grandparents, they are doing good. My memere got the birthday card I sent her and she like it. My pepere is doing well, I am glad he is not getting any worse. That must be so hard to lose your grip on reality and know its happening but not know what you are losing. I talked to eliza, britt's friend, and talked to her about my existance, and she said that I need to look at what is in front of me and be happy with it, not look anywhere else, and know that God has a plan and to go with it and follow him. I worked tonight, it went well. I am watching baseball right now and it is nostalgic, I miss home, but I don't think I will be truely happy anywhere or with anything. But what I do know is that God is with me whereever I go, and I am so glad for that and for Him. I wish that I had the means to find himself earlier in life, before I gathered this past darker then my shadow, always following me always making me remember it is there. Running never solves anything, you can't escape the past, only embrace it. The pastor said today that he heard once that "he who cannot fogive breaks the bridge over which they must one day travel." Being naive and not knowing these darker things helps because you won't have that come to mind. One day I will be happy with myself, and happy with everything, and one day that feeling of ecstacy and excitment will never leave, that day is not today, but it is something to look forward to... Goodnight...

May 2nd

It rained so good today, I rode my bike to CVS and it was beautiful. It rained hard for maybe a half hour but stopped and the path around my apartment complex was just amazingly beautiful. Then I worked, and came home and watched a movie with Stephen, Rose and Jake. It was the R-Rated version of the porn spoofing Pirates of the Caribbean. Now, I always thought that unless something was going to happen that you laughed at the porn when in a large group. The acting was bad the lighting was worse and the CGI was par. But apparently I should have just shut up, because they were watching it for the sexy parts, or the plot, I got bitched at for both. Everyone else could say what they want, but me, nope. I don't think rose likes me very much. Or is in a bad mood. I have no idea, she is leaving the country for a while and I wish her the best of luck. 13, for those of you keeping score, 12 happened after I blogged. But now it is my bedtime and so I shall get ready for bed. I need a psychiatrist, oh and I miss Britt…

May 1st

So, I nearly went crazy today from not being able to talk to Britt, but I talked to her a bit, I worked a split shift and I have a good number of hours going into next week. I am excited for the days to come.